I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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