i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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