Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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