I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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