I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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