The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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