At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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