Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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