the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
