is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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