Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
