i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
