Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
