I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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