i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
did i just pee glitter
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
