when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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