Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize