I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
