There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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