One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
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