i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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