apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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