I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
