i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
