i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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