Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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