Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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