wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
