so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
