JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
