I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
