Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
