she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
