You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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