I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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