Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
