I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
