Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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