My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize