Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
