she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
