just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
