btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
