Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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