just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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