oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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