just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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