Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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