we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
