hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
