someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When did angry sex become our thing?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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