Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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