My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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