K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
