my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You're like the curious george of whores
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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