i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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