She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize