why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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