He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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