Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
