I looked at my own cervix.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize