Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
