I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
