Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I will be naked everywhere
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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