don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
