Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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