My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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