I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We are all done wearing pants today
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
